Don’t you think love is a scary thing? I do. In fact, I think it’s terrifying.
It’s a deep black hole that, with just one little trip, you can accidentily plunge yourself into. And it’s hell to get out. Sometimes, even though you’re falling, you don’t even want to.
Love is like entangling allainces. You owe something to the people you love, and they owe something to you. Sometimes that system works, but sometimes it gets dangerous. Sometimes it’s life or death; sometimes it’s just another broken heart. Love, I think, is a sick and twisted version of Wonderland.
You might end up in a good relationship, and you might end up in the worst of the worst. And I know the solution is so simple, right? Just break up and find someone else; there are thousands of fish in the sea. Of course there are, it’s the sea. But how many fish in the sea are like him? And the sea is so huge; do you want to spent the rest of your life looking for a good fish?
And it’s horrible that for some people it ends up being a terrible waste of time; sometimes there just isn’t a good fish out there for them. That’s not to say that person is too demanding (although that sometimes is the case), it’s just to say they find bad fish wherever they go. That reminds of someone, she lives in the mirror and looks just like me.
I wonder when I’ll ever see the day that love looks good to me, not destined for disaster. I could take a risk right now, but perhaps I’ll be a coward and wait at the end of the year. Then the bomb will hit, I’ll get a slap in the face, and long summer vacation will await me.
If I WERE To Like You…
Now, I’m not saying I need a boyfriend, that it’s crucial I have boyfriend, I’m merely considering that the idea would be nice. I mean, I’ve never been in a relationship before. I came so close in middle school, but I was so selfish and naive then. I listened to my fake friends instead of my heart, which was one of the worst mistakes I’ve ever made. Now I’m reluctant to take any “friend’s” advice.
I have to admit, the smallest things cause heat. Nearly sharing my gum with him, grabbing his arm for only a second, catching him playing his guitar in the hallway…these insignificant forms of contact feel like sparks to me. But I know I’m in the wrong here. I have to be. Isn’t it always better to have a great friendship than to have an awkward relantionship that goes nowhere?
And that’s what I fear the most. Even if I did look more presentable, I would hate it if we couldn’t even talk anymore. Besides, I’m not in love with the guy, I just like him. Well, that’s as far as I’ll let myself feel, anyway. Truth is, I’ve put a stopper on my emotions, so I’m not really sure how I actually feel about this guy. But that’s not the scary part, the scary part is actually knowing.
I don’t want to know what I really feel for him. I’m scared it’ll be too strong, and if it’s too strong it could turn into obsession, and there’s no way I’m going down that route again. My friends already know I like this guy. And, admittively, they’re pushing it a little. But none of them can ever take it too far; only I can do that.
So I won’t. It’s nice just talking to him, and I do like these secretive little flames of affection sneaking up on me. So let’s just keep things that way, shall we?
Mouth Clamped SHUT.
I don’t want to say I like you, that I find you cute when you smile, that I like it when you laugh. That sometimes I almost wish I could hold you, but I when I see the image of you holding me I become disgusted. I’m disgusting; I stain that image. If I were better, maybe this picture would look right, but it doesn’t.
I talk to you every single day, but we never get any closer. It’s been a whole year now, and my stupid friends keep saying stuff that’s not true. I know you don’t like me, and, hell, God knows I’m not worth liking. I’m not gonna let it hurt me; I’ve let too many things hurt me already. Now I just wanna feel good. Okay, remotely good.
But sometimes, when I don’t want cold happiness, I think of you in the vaguest way. I never let you come to the front of my mind, because I’m afraid of reviving too strong emotions. Don’t want to feel those anymore.
I want to say I wish there was a solution to this, but I can’t see one. And you, well you’re just oblivious, and I want you to stay that way.
Not A Good Feeling
I feel rough, abusive, inappropriate, and down-right ugly from the inside-out. That makes me feel sick, and the sickness makes me depressed. The black half-moons under my eyes get deeper every night. Losing sleep; gaining not an ounce of rest. I want to focus again, but my attention span’s lost somewhere in a sea of dreams.
I want to move and say I was strong enough to make it out of here. But wanting and thinking ain’t got nothing next to actually doing something about it, and you’ve lost your right to complain when you let opportunity walk by you.
Alice fell through the rabbit hole, into a place called Wonderland. Here, everything happened just the way it was supposed to. This was the life she was supposed to have, the one she wanted to have. And the worst part was, none of it was real. She’d have to wake up eventually, and then Wonderland would disappeared.
When she returned to the Real World, Alice wasn’t right. She didn’t look anyone in the eye; she didn’t want to. She wanted to run back to Wonderland and never return. But sadly, days flew by, and that rabbit never hopped frantically in her way ever again. No more Wonderland. No more Happy.
He’s so popular amongst the kids, you’d think that if you put on subway train he’d befriend everyone within hearing distance of him. He’s the got with all the style and all the money. He’s the one you insults the teachers and makes the kids laugh. He’s the main squeeze. His momma’s proud of him, and his papa’s not around.
All the girls wanna be with him, but he always turns them down. He’s the most popular guy around, yet he’s a lone wolf. He hides in his room, in the near dark, watches the blood run from his wrists with an empty stare. But the next morning he puts on a confident smile, talkin’ like he’s on top of the world.
“Everyone loves me, I got the best clothes, all those haters are nothing but jealous.” But he knows he’s just speaking the words of a mask. His real words, the ones locked behind his lips, are forever imprisioned under his facade. The world will never know his pain.
Dancer in the Night
Yes, I dance shamelssly at night. Now, I don’t mean some night club dancer, I mean I lock the door of my room and dance around like an idiot. Yeah, laugh, I don’t care. It’s fun and relieving, for all you pricks out there, you should try it!
Today was also my birthday so I thought, “what the heck? Why NOT dance insanely?” And so I danced. =P
Oh, and by the way, I’m 17! One year to being officially LEGAL! Yayyyy!